I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future. (Richard Jeni)
I worked some gigs in the Deep South...Alabama...You talk about Darwin's waiting room. There are guys in Alabama who are their own father. (Dennis Miller)
I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield)
L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there's a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson -- and when he shows up, they tell him there'll be a ten-minute wait. (Bill Maher) Funny Quotes. Sayings. Quotations.
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)
There's always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I'd fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. (Larry Miller)
If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts. (Steven Wright)
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)
My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners! (Sarah Silverman)
I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking."